Dear Google: Here’s a list of things I’d rather never appear on my news page again

Dear The Google:

First off, let me say how much I love my Google News page. Love that I can customize to get my Manchester City and music news right up top. That being said, I really wish that you, and all of the other sites on this interwebs thing, as well as newspapers, magazines, radio and TV for that matter, would allow me to set up a list of exclusion topics so that I never have to hear, see, or read anything about them ever again, even in a passing glimpse of a headline. Please get to work on that now. In the meantime, here’s my list:

  1. The announcement of new cast of Dancing With the Stars, or any news, recap, or discussion of said show.
  2. Anything said by any member of the Palin family, including siblings, ex-boyfriends, neighbors, or people who stand in line for “book” (quotes intentional) signings of said group. One exception to this rule is if they all get food poisoning from eating undercooked bear meat and spend several days moderately ill, then that’s cool.
  3. This really should be 2a, but please extend said ban (exception included) to Glenn Beck, Sean Hannity, Rush Limbaugh, Rachel Maddow, Michael Moore, Keith Olbermann, Michelle Bachmann, that alleged witch from Connecticut, any actor giving a policy speech on something they read about on a Ben and Jerry’s carton, and any Fox “News” contributor. I should add Charlie Sheen to this list, but he’s too much of a winner. And dude’s on twitter now. The internet may not be able to handle his twittering awesomeness.
  4. The Black Eyed Peas
  5. Glee
  6. Rachael Ray (that’s a given)
  7. Any story involving “Sport Figure X” is trying to engineer a trade to “Sports Team Y” to play with his friend “Sports Figure Z.”
  8. Brett Favre
  9. Anyone calling themselves a “fiscal conservative” or “deficit hawk” who doesn’t acknowledge the need to consider Medicare, Social Security, Defense cuts, and possible tax increases.
  10. Wal-Mart
  11. The Stars and Bars
  12. 99.9% of Country Music recorded after 1990
  13. Jay Leno
  14. American Idol, past, present, and future.
  15. Any sitcom staring Jim Belushi (or a reasonable facsimile of)
  16. Zany morning DJs
  17. Pretty much any news, sports, or entertainment story attributed only to “sources” (whether they be unnamed, close, or with knowledge of the situation)
  18. American remakes of English TV
  19. How Arsenal play “beautiful football”
  20. Royal Pains on USA Network
  21. Royal weddings
  22. Anyone who argues against Climate Change science by saying, “boy, sure is hot/cold out there today.”
  23. People who are still mad that new Radiohead albums “don’t sound like the The Bends”
  24. She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named and her protege, Gwyneth Paltrow, in all of her incarnations
  25. Rachael Ray (just to make sure)

Many thanks in advance,

JLo

Cheers and happy Dr. Seuss Day!

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Posted on March 2, 2011, in Tao of JLo. Bookmark the permalink. 4 Comments.

  1. Alright, so just so we’re clear…MOVIES starring Jim Belushi are alright? Cuz I have a really good article on K-9 to send you.

  2. Paula = 1, Jim = 0. Ahhh, feels good. 😉

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