Time to answer some reader questions

I thought today would be a good day to answer some actual questions from actual readers * that flood into my mailbox each day. I’ve been putting this off for a while, so quite a few have piled up.

Just thought I’d let you know that you are an amateur and a hack and can’t spell worth a rats a$$. Don’t you even bother to read these things before you hit the publish button? Why do you write this blog and why should I care? Oh, and if you write one more word about R.E.M. I swear on all that is holy I’m going to lose it. And please pick up some milk on the way home today. – Mrs. JLo, Orlando, FL

Um, thanks? Why do I write this? Mostly as a writing exercise, I guess. And out of sheer boredom. Plus, I have this very expensive liberal arts education that I only get to use in the occasional trivia competition, so it’s nice to have an outlet for that. Unfortunately I suffer from a condition that only allows me to concentrate on things that interest me, so I soaked up history and English in school, but can’t remember the first thing about the periodic table or higher math (you know, those things that people who go on to be rich learn in school.) So instead of learning computer science or chemistry, I learned how to write witty yearbook quotes and crank out 1000 word blog posts in 30 minutes. And no I don’t really look at them before I post them. Sorry. And do you want 1 or 2% milk?

I never knew you used to roll flaming bowling balls into the street when you were growing up. Can I ground you now? – Mama JLo, Greenville, SC**

Occasionally I exaggerate things for comedic effect. This was definitely one of those times. Yeeaaaahhhhh, that’s it. I made that all up. Let’s go with that.

I wrecked my car once dodging a flaming bowling ball in Greenville, SC about the time that you specified. Where can I send you the bill? – P. Fry, Greenville, SC

See answer above. To the best of my recollection this incident was made up. Now go away.

Where did you get the character names Jim Tom Pinch and Potatus Fry? Those sound awfully familiar if you get my drift – D. Jenkins, Ft. Worth, TX

Wow, absolutely thrilled to get that one. Those two characters appear in a book called You Gotta Play Hurt by Dan Jenkins, the greatest sportswriter who has ever walked this planet (he also wrote North Dallas Forty and a truckload of other great things). Pinch is a grizzled sports writer who gets into all kinds of misadventures, while Fry is the star basketball player who leads “Climpson” University to the Final Four in Atlanta. His major in college is Weightroom Management. So I use these two fictitious characters occasionally in the blog with all respect and much love to their creator (please don’t sue me). And the rest of  you need to go and read the collective works of Dan Jenkins ASAP. Genius.

Let me get this straight. You had a rock and roll fantasy draft and nobody selected me? Wanker. – D. Bowie, somewhere in space

Ok, a couple of people have yelled at me about the fantasy draft thing, and I’ll be the first to admit that leaving out David Bowie was a huge mistake. Once I introduced fake Charlie Sheen into the proceedings though, that kind of threw things off a bit. Had to make room for Zamfir, master of the pan flute, you know. Much apologies to the Thin White Duke.

I see you bought Collapse Into Now on vinyl. How’d you like dropping $24.99 for that and then NOT getting a digital download included like every other record label in the world gives you with vinyl these days. (Evil cackle) – Evil Fat Cat Warner Brothers executive. Hollywood, CA

How’d you like giving R.E.M. a gazillion dollar contract to produce all of their least commercially successful albums? And good luck finding a job in 2013 when your industry disappears for good.

This has all been done before, you know. – B. Simmons, Los Angeles, CA

Don’t you have another big pile of money to go and count?

*that mostly exist only in my head.

** I actually did get this one

Ok, that’s all of the time we have for today for reader mail. Keep sending in those cards and letters, unless you’re requesting damages to your car.

Cheers.

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Posted on March 16, 2011, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. I love Dan Jenkins, but he didn’t write North Dallas Forty, that was the late Peter Gent. Jenkins wrote Semi-Tough, though; you may have been thinking of that.

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