I’m rich, ya’ll!

Blog Note: I got this little gem in my e-mail account tonight, quite possibly the best bad spam/phishing e-mail I’ve ever received. It was too funny not to share with you, unedited, along with some of my comments (in blue italics). Thanks, Felix Bode,The, whoever you are; this made my day.

Attn, (Attn? Really? I don’t get a traditional “Dear” and then you don’t even bother to spell out your greeting? Not off to a good start here Felix)

Forgive my indignation if this message comes to you as a surprise and if it might offend you without your prior consent and writing through this channel. (Did you copy this sentence from a used madlib? You’re indignant because you spammed me? And what channel did you send this through? English? MTV?)

I am Mr Felix Bode,The Chairman, Contract Awarding committee of the ECONOMIC COMMUNITY OF WEST AFRICAN STATES ( ECOWAS)with Headquarters in Lome, Togo. (Your name is Bode,The? New one, that. Nice to meet you, Felix Bode,The.)

I got your contact through Network on line in my search for a reliable and reputable person to handle a very confidential transaction that involves a transfer of fund to a foreign account and I decided to write you. (I thought I deleted my Network on line profile. I’ll have to double check that. And I’m sorry, I can’t help you with a very confidential transaction. Now if it’s very VERY confidential, maybe we could talk.)

After discussing my view and your profile with my colleagues,they were very much satisfied and decided to contact you immediately for this mutual business relationship.We wish to transfer the sum of USD16m (Sixteen Million United States Dollars only.)into your personal or company`s bank account. (Sixteen Million United States only? What, no spare change? Yippeee, I hate spare changer in my mutual business relationships! Such a waste.)

This fund was a residue of the over invoiced contract bills awarded by us for the supply of hard/softwares,
phamaceauticals/medical items,light and heavy duty vehicles, apperals and other administrative logistics etc for the ECOMOG in Sierria-Leone and Liberia during the Peace Keeping  Projects.This DEAL was deliberately hatched out and carefully protected with all the attendant lope holes sealed off.As the Chairman of CAC,I have the cooperation and mandate of the Financial Director and the Secretary of the Organisation.We arranged and over invoiced the contract funds supplied by different companies from different countries during the crisis. (I’ve nothing to say here except that these may be my favorite grouping of words ever written in the English language. Move over, Churchill and Shakespeare, Bode,The is in the house!)

It was our consensus to seek the assistance of a willing foreigner to provide us with the facilities to transfer this money out of West Africa.This is borne out of our beleif in the non-stable and sporous political nature of this sub-region. (I hate it when my political natures get all sporous in the sub region. That takes FOREVER to clear up.)

The original contractors have been duely paid by the Banque Centrale Des Etats De L`Afrique De L`Ouest (Central Bank of the West African States)through our bankers-INTERNATIONAL BANK OF AFRICA(IBA)UNION TOGOLAISE DE BANQUE(UTB),ECO BANK,BTCI BANK LOME TOGO. (I know how we can make our sound bank all legit – let’s just make it an unintelligible and random mixture of French and English and people will HAVE to take us seriously.)

This balance is suspended in the escrow accounts awaiting claims by  any foreign company of our choice.We intend to pay out this fund now as the organisation is winding up its  activities since the aim of returning PEACE to the countries and the coast has been achieved. (PEACE is at hand! All thanks to you, Bode,The!)

Based on the laws and ethics of employment,we as civil servants working under this organisation, are not allowed to operate a foreign account. (Ethics are important, especially when attempting to launder money.)

This is the more reason why we needed your assistance to provide an account that can sustain this fund for safe keeping and our future investment with your comprehensive advise,assistance and partnership in your country. (I’m not sure I’m willing to commit to providing comprehensive advise. That sounds like a lot of work and stuff. How does half baked, uninformed advise work for you?)

It is however agreed,as the account owner in this deal to allow you 30% of the entire sum as compensation, 65% will be held on trust for us while 5% will be usedto defray any incidental charges and cost during the course of the transaction. (Yes, we must be able to defray incidentals. Much better use of the language by the way, Bode,The.)

This transaction will be successfully concluded within 14 days if you accord us your unalloyed and due cooperation.You should provide the followings;

YOUR COMPANY`S NAME WITH COMPLETE ADDRESS,
TELEPHONE AND FAX NUMBERS.(if available)
THE NAME OF YOUR BANK,ITS ADDRESS WITH TEL,FAX  AND YOUR
ACCOUNT NUMBER, THE COMPLETE MAILING ADRRESS OF THE  BENEFICIARY  WITH TELEPHONE AND FAX NUMBERS. (Can I get you my social and pin numbers while I’m at it? I’m just trying to be unalloyed.)

Upon the receipt of this informations,i will forward them to the organisation for ratification and subsequent payment. (Ratification? I’ve never been ratified before. Sweet.)

As with the case of all organised (sensitive)and conspired DEALS,we solicit for your unreserved confidentiality and utmost secret in this business. We hope to retire peacefully and leave a honourable business life afterwards.There are no risks involved. (Hmmmm, “unreserved confidentiality and utmost secret.” So I probably shouldn’t have published all this here, huh? My bad. But there are risks! Awesome, sign me up.)

With regards.
Mr Felix Bode (Wait, I thought you said your name was Bode,The? What the heck is going on here Felix? I thought we were being all unalloyed and stuff. Now I’m starting to think that your indignation wasn’t really defrayed for the PEACE afterall. Good day to you sir. We’re done here.)

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Posted on July 27, 2011, in Comedy and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. I just got this email and read it to my husband because I thought it was especially good. Thanks for the laugh!

  1. Pingback: SPAM decrypted, redux | Fables of the Deconstruction

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