What ever happened to you?

I got this in the mail today after work. Not quite sure what to make of it, so tell me what you think.

Dear Sir:

I am writing to you from the International Time Travel Enforcement Squadron (ITTES) from the year 1989. This letter is to inform you (hereafter referred to as “Old Man”) that your 19 year old self (hereafter referred to as the “Petitioner”) has filed a petition to travel forward in time for the sole purpose of “beating the living hell out of you and knocking some sense back into your over-sized, melon-like head.” The reasons contained in the petition are summarized below:

1). You got married (that’s cool), had kids (still cool), bought a minivan (albeit one with an awesome bike rack and a indie record label sticker on the back – it’s still a minivan), and bought a house in the suburbs (dude, the ‘burbs?) with a WHITE PICKET FENCE? Seriously? What kind of a walking cliche are you?

2.) You work in an office sitting behind a desk for money (probably so you can buy another minivan.) Sellout.

3.) You’re old and gray and fat. And you can’t dunk any more. You’d probably rupture several major organs just trying to touch the rim.

4.) You don’t go to club shows any more. And you listen to something called “dad rock.” And you bring ear plugs with you on the rare occasion that you do go to a show. (Though the vinyl collection is still pretty sweet, I must admit.)

5.) You go to fancy restaurants, take pictures of your food with your phone, and post them on something called “Facebook.” I don’t even know what any of this means but it sounds super lame. I know for a fact that you subsisted on frozen burritos, Lucky Charms, American cheese, Craft Mac ‘n Cheese, Paul Prudhomme Cajun Seasoning, and ranch dressing for an entire year in 1991.

6.) You have more partially written novels and short stories that you’ve never finished than anyone in history. Way to put that writing talent to use, moron. Instead, you write rambling, nonsensical posts for free on something called a “blog.” (And while we are talking about writing, why so many parenthetical asides and digressions? And what’s with all the Oxford commas? Somebody should write a song about Oxford commas one day.)

7). You’ve never backpacked across Europe and you live in Orlando, FL. Disney World? Seriously? Why don’t you just buy a house with a white picket fence while you’re at it. Oh, wait.

8.) You own more than one tie. And several pairs of shoes that aren’t Chuck Taylor’s. And don’t get me started on the suits.

9.) You totally let people get away with spouting total BS about politics, music, movies, etc without calling them on it. I LOVE doing that, man. Live for it.

10.) You told your kids the other day (while driving in your minivan, no less) that if they didn’t settle down, you were going to turn the car around and go home. *shakes head in disgust*

This is just a summary of the charges presented. Just know that the original complaint goes on for 127 more pages and is full of parenthetical rants and digressions, as well as a boatload of Oxford commas.

We have decided, due to the repeated and egregious nature of your crimes, to approve the petition. You should prepare to for a beat down like no other from your younger self, just as soon as we figure out how to time travel. So far our best efforts involving DeLoreans and flux capacitors have failed, but we’ll figure it out.


Potatus Fry, ITTES

Weird, huh?



Posted on March 13, 2013, in Tao of JLo, Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 9 Comments.

  1. That is truly weird. Weirdly true, but truly weird.

  2. We also text using acronyms from a different generation! I can’t wait to see this letter to yourself in 10 more years…..

  3. Scott Burnette


  4. I hope my sending you that article was not the impetus for this existential crisis. If so, I apologize profusely. 🙂

    • Oh not in the least. No worries. I’m perfectly comfortable with my occasional spiral of self doubt and loathing. It keeps the insufferably arrogant side of me from taking over and running amuck.

  5. That is great that you are comfortable w/the self doubt and loathing spiral. Perhaps you can give me a few tips about how I can get to that comfort zone. 🙂

    • The precise formula that makes up the wonder that is me is a delicate and precarious balance. I put it at 75% insufferable arrogance and 25% crushing self doubt, If those %s get out of whack by too much then there’s probably going to be trouble, but it’s a balancing act that I don’t recommend trying to replicate. Other than that lots of depressing music, cycling, and industrial amounts of Pepto Bismol seem to help.

  6. My formula…lots of depressing music, running, and industrial amounts of wine/beer.

  1. Pingback: An exercise in narcissism: The best of me in 2013 | Fables of the Deconstruction

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