SPAM poetry, decrypted

No, not the scary, salty canned meat kind. This showed up in my SPAM queue the other day and had such a random, haunting, poetic beauty to it I couldn’t resist sharing it verbatim, goofy formatting and all.

“I like my steak, but let me tell you this: those veggies
are pretty darn good by themselves if you’re eating them with the people you love. If you have purchased a used option, you’ll most likely
want to call in tractor services so that you can get help fixing any issues that might be lingering within
the machine. Go to your local farm or tack store and get a
couple of signs for the equine liability law in your state and post
them prominently in and around the barn.”

It’s beautiful, yet mysterious no? Clearly there is some deep, philosophical meaning buried deep within and I thought I’d take a shot at cracking the code. All those years of obsessively listening to and deciphering REM lyrics in the 80s have given me special insight into making sense of seemingly random thoughts. Here we go.

“I like my steak (well duh, who doesn’t like steak), but let me tell you this (oh wow, little bit of attitude there, I like that from my spammers): those veggies (what! what about them?!?!)
are pretty darn good by themselves if you’re eating them with the people you love. (ok, totally didn’t see that coming. This sounds like an unreleased late period REM song. And by default Veggies Are Pretty Darn Good By Themselves If You’re Eating Them With The People You Love is already a better song than anything on Around the Sun) If you have purchased a used option, you’ll most likely (Wait, used vegetables? That’s kind of gross. I thought you loved these people and you are feeding them used food? What kind of monster are you?)
want to call in tractor services (Oh, ok. Used tractors. That’s fine. Who buys a new tractor these days? You know, tractor depreciation is killer.) so that you can get help fixing any issues that might be lingering within (They talked you into the extended service plan, didn’t they? Those are always a waste of money. Silly spammer, but I know those tractor salespersons can be very persuasive.)
the machine. Go to your local farm or tack store (Sweet, I love going to Tractor Supply) and get a couple of signs for the equine liability law in your state (Wait, what kind of trouble have those horses been getting into to? I warned them last time that my patience was running thin.) and post
them prominently in and around the barn.” (The horses can read? We’re rich!)

So there you go. Clearly this is a sophisticated political statement railing against the prominence of genetically modified agriculture in our nation’s food supply. And trouble making horses. Simple, no? Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go share a bowlful of green beans and spinach with the ones that I love.

Cheers.

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Posted on April 26, 2013, in Comedy, Tao of JLo and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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