Journey to the Heart of Perkiness: How I went to the Y mid-morning and lived to tell the tale.

Recently, I decided to go the Y at an unusual time for me, around mid-morning, to mix up my workouts some and use one of my least favorite pieces of equipment, the treadmill. I despise these more than even stationary bikes, since I tend to feel like a hamster on a wheel while using them. Going through all of that motion and not going anywhere is kind of depressing, but I pushed ahead since I wanted to add some inclines to my morning walk occasionally, and here in flat, hill-less Orlando (where the garbage mountain at the dump is the biggest elevation for miles – not kidding) that is pretty much your only choice. Little did I realize that I was about to stumble into an exotic, almost mythical place: the lair of the Lululemoms.

I have had some sporadic encounters recently with these creatures while out on my morning walks, but never have I seen such a concentration of them in one place. Lululemoms are a varied species, but they tend to share the following characteristics:

  1. An affinity for brightly colored clothing, usually made by Lululemon.
  2. They fight a never ending war against an apparently horrible enemy known as “Gluten and Dairy.” This must truly be a horrible monster because the mere mention of it sends many of them into convulsions.
  3. They speak a strange language that is almost English but not quite. For example, they do not “workout” but are on a constant mission to “rock” and “blast” various muscle groups. They also speak frequently of “burpees” and “kettlebells” and use bizarre acronyms like WOD and AMRAP.
  4. Their lives are highly structured, with the “set” being the most common  division of time and effort.
  5. They are especially perky, for people who appear to be torturing themselves most of the time (except when speaking of their mortal foe Gluten and Dairy of course. A high percentage were either former cheerleaders and/or possible members of Sparkle Motion. (Needless to say, I spent much of time on the lookout for oversized bunnies. Confused? Google: Donnie Darko.) I saw one Lululemom in a bright pink t-shirt that said “Keep Calm and Cheer On” (Can we all please agree to let that meme die a graceful death now, m’kay?)
  6. There is a high concentration of glitter.
  7. The highest attainment in the physical form appears to be a visible sternum. Those who have it are worshipped and revered by many of the other Lululemoms.
  8. Strangest of all, they seem to share an odd affinity for the music of Pitbull.

What truly fascinated me about the Lululemoms was a small faction that I have actually seen outside of he Y before, usually outside of the coffee shop. This group wears the highest number of Lululemom signature apparel, including yoga pants, compression socks, and brightly colored athletic shoes. The strangest thing about them, however, is that they never appear to actually exercise, as they are also wearing perfect makeup and hairstyles at all times. I suspect that their behavior is part of an elaborate mating ritual, the full extent only seen by human males aged 25-40 driving BMWs. Fascinating. One suspects that if our Y had a “juice bar” that this group would congregate around it frequently.

I’ll let you know more of my discoveries as I spend more time in their natural habitat. I’d take pictures but doing that sort of thing in a gym apparently leads to “restraining orders” and an “arrest record.”

Cheers.

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Posted on September 10, 2013, in Comedy, Tao of JLo and tagged . Bookmark the permalink. 5 Comments.

  1. I am cracking up.

    I first came into contact w/this species when my sons were babes. Pre-dated Lululemon’s inception (most likely inspired its creation). In DC, this species is mainly responsible for the creation of our community’s wimpy, extremely dependent, whiny, self-involved & horribly rude children. (Did I say that out loud?)

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