Dear Queen Elizabeth: Will you take us back?
October 1, 2013
Her Majesty The Queen
London SW1A 1AA
Or can I call you Liz? Is that ok? What, no? Ok, Madam it is. I am writing to you from Orlando, Florida in the United States of America to ask you a big favor. As you know, a few hundred years ago we got the wild notion that we could actually govern ourselves, and declared independence from British rule. And wouldn’t you know it thanks to our determination (and with a big assist from the French) we managed to do it. We wrote a fine sounding legal document to set the rules, built some really cool monuments and then set about building a pretty successful country if I do say so myself.
Only, here’s the problem. We don’t really have any idea what we are doing when it comes to governing. Not even that writing down the rules thing seems to help us. Even when we pass a law, have the courts review it, and then have elections that were basically about that one law, some dimwit with a children’s book comes along and says he doesn’t like it and the whole government shuts down. Isn’t that insane?
Anyway, I’m writing to ask you to consider taking us back. We’ve got a lot to offer the Commonwealth – lots of money, big wide open spaces, all those theme parks you Brits seems to love so much, a kick a$$ military, and all of the Premiere League football you care to watch (seriously, we get every single match live these days. It’s pretty cool.) And have you tried a cronut yet? It’s part donut and part croissant and all kinds of awesome. We’ll send you over a few dozen every month. All we ask is that you show us how to act like adults when governing, leave us alone, and take Piers Morgan back ASAP. Maybe in a few hundred years we’ll be able to give this self-governance thing another go, but for now, we really need your help.
P.S. If you could do all this before late October when I’m supposed to take my kids to the nation’s capital that would be great. I’m sure they would really enjoy seeing the pandas at the National Zoo, and visiting the Churchill Memorial and Nelson Monument.
I have the honour to (hopefully – fingers crossed!) be, Madam, Your Majesty’s humble and obedient servant,