Hunger Games Producers Concerned Area Man Will Never See Their Movie
AP – Orlando
Jim Tom Pinch
Producers of the Hunger Games movie franchise today expressed increased concern that an Orlando area man, identified only as 43 year old James, will never see one of their movies despite their exhaustive efforts to convince everyone in the coveted 18-45 demographic to do so. Sources close to the producers today detailed the extraordinary efforts they have put forth to convince what they believe is the last remaining holdout in Central Florida to give in and see one of the blockbuster films.
“It’s pretty amazing,” one of the sources confided. “This guy seems to be impervious to all of our tricks. After he failed to see the first film despite absolute media saturation, we figured he’d end up catching it on Netflix. He’s watched pretty much everything on there at least once. I mean, just last week we received confirmation that he watched Hobo With a Shotgun. Twice. I mean, seriously.”
After realizing that he wasn’t taking the Netflix bait, the producers hired a special consultant to formulate a plan to draw him into the sequel. This included ensuring he was not working on the day of the premiere, offering movie times every 15 minutes from 8 AM to 2 AM at his local theater, increased postings on Facebook and Twitter from friends and colleagues about their excitement over the film, and casting one of his favorite actors, Phillip Seymour Hoffman, in a key role. Such tactics were used successfully to achieve complete 100% market demographic compliance in cities across the country. In this instance, however, the studio had one additional trump card to play.
“The real coup de gras in this case was music,” confirmed the source. “We backed up a big dump truck full of money to a band he really likes, The National, and got them to contribute a new song to the soundtrack. We know for a fact that he once watched an entire episode of Cougar Town just to see how they used a National song before, so we figured, if he’d sit through that pile of garbage for them, we’d be totally in the clear.”
As of press time, however, James has yet to see the film, much less express interest in it. He did cause brief excitement by watching Netflix for a while yesterday, in a move some had predicted would result in a catchup viewing of the first film before heading out to an early showing of the second this morning, but hopes were dashed when he ended up watching two episodes of Doctor Who instead.
Producers, however, are undaunted, and are already at work on an even more ambitious plan to achieve their 100% compliance goal, which we can exclusively reveal to you today.
“Basically, we’re going to recast and rewrite the film completely and use the latest in both market analysis and NSA data capture to appeal directly to our wayward movie buff out there. We’re turning it into a zombie-space-adventure-drama-comedy set in the United Kingdom during a Manchester City match and we’ve got Edgar Wright, Alfonso Cuaron, Sam Raimi and Guillermo del Toro attached to direct simultaneously. We have Benedict Cumberbatch, Kate Winslet, Tom Hiddleston, Simon Pegg, and Bruce Campbell in the lead roles, with supporting and cameo appearances by George Clooney, Monica Bellucci, Matt Damon, Mila Kunis, Nick Frost and a reincarnated Patrick Swayze. The film will be scored and soundtracked by Ennio Morricone, the reunited Smiths, and Neko Case, we’ll only be showing the film in theaters with 35 mm analog setups, and anyone who buys a ticket will get Cigar City beer and an autographed copy of the soundtrack on 78 rpm, 360 gram, gold plated, collectors edition vinyl with handwritten liner notes provided by Morrissey. All we need to do now is get Reese Witherspoon attached in her Legally Blonde role and have her die a horrific onscreen death and we’ll have him, I’m sure. Wait, do you have Aaron Paul’s number, by the way? I’ve just had a fantastic idea!”
All of this has already driven the film’s preproduction costs over $800 million dollars. When questioned whether such a specific concentration on one individual was financially wise, our source responded, “Absolutely! 100% market share of the 18-45 demographic is priceless.”
When asked if they were worried that making such radical changes to the story could alienate long-time fans, another source remained confident.
“We could release 2 hours of footage of a character clipping her nails and reading the Sunday paper and we’d still do $180 million opening weekend, as long as we called her Catnip and the movie has Hunger Games in the title. Wait, sorry, what? Oh yes, Katniss, of course. My mistake.”
Our sources would not confirm reports that the studio had a fail safe plan in the future after all of the titles are released to Netflix to plant a teenage girl claiming to be the man’s long lost daughter with a burning desire to see the entire series in one marathon viewing, calling that the “nuclear option” and then adding, “we’ll get him eventually regardless. Mark my words.”