The airing of the Festivus grievances

Ah, December 23, that most sacred of all of the days on the calendar. I’m sure by now you have erected your plain, unadorned aluminum pole and some of you lucky ones who do not have to work at the bagel shop today may have begun the feats of strength. All of this though is merely build up to the main event, the traditional airing of the grievances. So sit down and get comfortable, because I have a lot of problems with you people and now you’re going to hear about it.

1. The fact that “reality TV stars” say things and people seem to care.

2. The fact that “reality TV star” is an actual thing.

3. Pitbull.

4. Kesha.

5. Pitbull featuring Kesha.

6. Perennial grievance Rachael Ray.

7. Perennial grievance Guy Fieri.

8. The disappointing lack of jet packs an flying cars. We were promised jet packs and flying cars.

9. Fat free dairy.

10. The lack of decent Indian food on Orlando’s east side.

11. Approximately 93.73% of humanity.

12. 88 degrees on December 23. That’s just wrong.

13. Nooks, Kindles, and e-readers. Long live the printed word.

14. Seeing the album you’ve been looking for forever finally showing up in the local record shop’s just published used LP list, only to call to put it on hold and find out that somebody just snagged it. This happens more than you can possibly imagine.

15. Totally unnecessary movie remakes. I’m looking at you, Sound of Music.

16. Getting a jury summons and then not even getting called.

17. Ads for the movie “Grudge Match.” Remember, every time you buy a ticket to see this movie, an angel decides it just isn’t worth it anymore and gives back his/her wings.

18. The metabolism/recovery time of a 43/soon to be 44 year old. Booooo.

19. The Hunger Games. This is getting personal.

20. Stress and a lack of sleep. You tried your best to kill me this year, but no such luck (knocking on sooooo much wood right now.)

21. A Feast of Crows, aka Game of Thrones Book IV. This tried to kill me this year as well and may have come closer than #20. But I beat you in the end.

22. The fact that The Returned did not get huge ratings and Tatiana Maslany wasn’t nominated for an Emmy for Orphan Black. Boo. Get on these people, don’t let quality pass you by because you are too lazy to change the channel from CBS.

23. The fact that the government shut down nearly kept my kids from seeing this and this and this. Grow up and act like adults, Washington.

24. Over-sized portions and/or buffet dining have killed our sense of proportion. You like eating 12 servings of mediocre beef served in a deep fried pumpkin, shoveling endless buckets of cheese bread down your gullet or sticking your face into chocolate fountain? More power to you and the folks at Cheesecake Factory, Red Lobster and Golden Corral seem more than happy to accommodate you. Just stay away from the restaurants I like, please. I don’t need to read any more Yelp reviews about how you didn’t like the “value” at my favorite eateries.

25. Oxford commas. I think I dislike you most of all you outdated and unnecessary bit of punctuation.

Happy Festivus. Let the airing of grievances begin!



Posted on December 23, 2013, in Tao of JLo and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink. 5 Comments.

  1. Here’s hoping you eventually cave on your anti-ereader stance. Given how much you are on the computer, it seems a silly thing. I still love a hard copy magazine, hardback or newspaper, so don’t get me wrong. But I also happily embrace all the convenient reading I do on my iPad. Maybe this is because I always have 7 to 8 books going at once and my constant travel would make me have to pick one (or possibly) two books to lug with me every trip. My trusty e-reader always eliminates the need to make this difficult choice. Bonus point: when I inevitably wake up at 3AM, too lazy to go downstairs but not wanting to take the wife, I fire up a book on the iPad for 30 minutes. Boom! Back to sleepy mode and didn’t have to turn on a light.

  2. Let me add my grievances:
    1. Still do not get the love for Dunkin’ Donuts coffee.
    2. I now require reading glasses to peruse the printed word.
    3. My boss/supposedly dear “friend” picked @ my hair like a chimp & pronounced, “I see your grey hairs!”
    4. Incorrect usage of “I” after a preposition.
    5. Despite a brief respite during the summer, much of 2013 will not go down as a banner time for Melissa Lefko. (The Lomas Clan Visits DC excepted, of course.) For instance, December 2013 has pretty much been one long month of suckage.

    So…here’s to 2014 & the Year of Mel!

    • Parker, they will pry the hardback books out of my cold dead hand. Literally. As for multiple volumes at once, stack them up on your table or leave them strewn about the house the way the maker intended.

      Dunkin D coffee is the nectar of the gods and will not hear a word against it! Other than that blasphemy, roll on year of Mel!


  3. I always have multiple volumes strewn throughout the house, much to Karen’s annoyance. The problem comes when I go to fly out of town….lugging 7-8 books within the luggage is a non-starter. I will list one serious annoyance for 2013: This (*$#)&()#&# broken toe I am dealing with. Other than that it was a decent year. Here’s to hoping 2014 brings much better health for Lomas and and much better -everything- for our dear Mel.

  1. Pingback: An exercise in narcissism: The best of me in 2013 | Fables of the Deconstruction

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