The airing of the Festivus grievances
Ah, December 23, that most sacred of all of the days on the calendar. I’m sure by now you have erected your plain, unadorned aluminum pole and some of you lucky ones who do not have to work at the bagel shop today may have begun the feats of strength. All of this though is merely build up to the main event, the traditional airing of the grievances. So sit down and get comfortable, because I have a lot of problems with you people and now you’re going to hear about it.
1. The fact that “reality TV stars” say things and people seem to care.
2. The fact that “reality TV star” is an actual thing.
5. Pitbull featuring Kesha.
6. Perennial grievance Rachael Ray.
7. Perennial grievance Guy Fieri.
8. The disappointing lack of jet packs an flying cars. We were promised jet packs and flying cars.
9. Fat free dairy.
10. The lack of decent Indian food on Orlando’s east side.
11. Approximately 93.73% of humanity.
12. 88 degrees on December 23. That’s just wrong.
13. Nooks, Kindles, and e-readers. Long live the printed word.
14. Seeing the album you’ve been looking for forever finally showing up in the local record shop’s just published used LP list, only to call to put it on hold and find out that somebody just snagged it. This happens more than you can possibly imagine.
15. Totally unnecessary movie remakes. I’m looking at you, Sound of Music.
16. Getting a jury summons and then not even getting called.
17. Ads for the movie “Grudge Match.” Remember, every time you buy a ticket to see this movie, an angel decides it just isn’t worth it anymore and gives back his/her wings.
18. The metabolism/recovery time of a 43/soon to be 44 year old. Booooo.
19. The Hunger Games. This is getting personal.
20. Stress and a lack of sleep. You tried your best to kill me this year, but no such luck (knocking on sooooo much wood right now.)
21. A Feast of Crows, aka Game of Thrones Book IV. This tried to kill me this year as well and may have come closer than #20. But I beat you in the end.
22. The fact that The Returned did not get huge ratings and Tatiana Maslany wasn’t nominated for an Emmy for Orphan Black. Boo. Get on these people, don’t let quality pass you by because you are too lazy to change the channel from CBS.
24. Over-sized portions and/or buffet dining have killed our sense of proportion. You like eating 12 servings of mediocre beef served in a deep fried pumpkin, shoveling endless buckets of cheese bread down your gullet or sticking your face into chocolate fountain? More power to you and the folks at Cheesecake Factory, Red Lobster and Golden Corral seem more than happy to accommodate you. Just stay away from the restaurants I like, please. I don’t need to read any more Yelp reviews about how you didn’t like the “value” at my favorite eateries.
25. Oxford commas. I think I dislike you most of all you outdated and unnecessary bit of punctuation.
Happy Festivus. Let the airing of grievances begin!