Drive in Orlando at your own risk

This will come to no surprise to anyone who lives in or has visited the fair city of Orlando, FL, but we have the worst drivers in the world, bar none. Orlando gets a bad rap a lot of the time, but it’s actually a very cool place to live, but this driving thing is no joke. Maybe it’s the toxic mix of seasoned citizens, drunks, baffled tourists, and frazzled locals, but the list of things I’d rather do than drive in Orlando at rush hour is long and varied, including pulling out hairs in my arm one at a time, staring at paint drying, and listening to Nickelback for a week straight for charity. (Well, maybe not that last one, but seriously, some brave soul is actually doing that. The maker bless him.)

Now that you know this startling fact about my town, here’s a list of the drivers to watch out for when you are out and about town, or if you come visit to pay homage to the Mouse and the Boy Wizard, as is required by law apparently. (Not included in this list is driver that completely freaks out, slows down and turns on the hazard lights at the first sign of rain, because these folks are found throughout Florida and are not exclusive to Orlando. Watch out for them nonetheless.)

Lost tourist: These people mean well, and we love them since their tax dollars mean we don’t pay state taxes in Florida, but they are a menace. Usually seen driving shiny, white, late model American cars that can only be rental cars, looking exasperatedly for the exit to Disney, and driving the wrong way down I-4.

Jesus fish displayer: You’ve seen these people, with their Jesus fish medallions and “safe for little ears” stickers. You would think folks that advertise their love and admiration for the Prince of Peace would be a little nicer on the roads, but they drive with an abandon and confidence that only you only find from those who are sure they going to be rewarded in the next life.

Jetta owner: What the hell is it about owning a Jetta that makes people completely lose their mind on the road? You can usually find this person when two lanes of traffic are merging together, trying to go as far as possible in the lane that is ending before cutting in front of you in the next lane, thereby saving themselves 3 seconds of waiting. If you see a Jetta with a Jesus fish, just do yourself a favor and pull over to the side of the road and wait for assistance.

Seasoned citizen driver: They favor American sedans at least 300 feet long with the left blinker permanently engaged, and, like the old Seinfeld gag, no longer fear being killed in a car wreck since they have presumptively lived long and fruitful lives already. Not so much a threat if you are in a car on the road, but watch out if you are sitting on the first floor of a building near a window within 100 yards of a road, since that is their favorite parking spot.

Stick figure family van/SUV owner: These folks can be recognized by their distinctive fondness for stickers with cryptic numbers with decimals (13.1, 26.2, etc). These vehicles generally can be found within 10 feet of a Starbucks or Crossfit center at all times (admittedly, it’s pretty much impossible these days not to be these days), and driven by my old friends, the Lululemom. They are often distracted by the amount of glitter in their eyes, because they are reliving the glory days running through old cheerleading routines in their heads, and/or by the well worn Dave Matthews band cd they are jamming out to while trying to drown out Brayden, Tina, Dylan, and Heather screaming in the back seat.

Would be writing his name in snow if he could guy: You know this guy all too well, and he may be the most dangerous of the bunch. Generally drives the largest truck legally allowed on two axles, has multiple charming “Assault Life” stickers on his  overly tinted back window next to silhouettes of automatic weapons, presumably says “Bro” a lot, and drives to and from the LA Fitness in the left lane going 10 miles below the speed limit, until you try to pass him, at which point he hits the red “turbo” button on the dash and drives past at 100 miles and hour, leaving only a faint whiff of Drakkar Noir and Nickelback.

Anyway, should you choose to drive in the City Beautiful, just keep your eyes out for folks and should be just fine. Just be sure to keep your insurance current.

Cheers.

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Posted on February 19, 2015, in Tao of JLo and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. This is just another reminder that jaded, sarcastic Jimmy is more often than not the most entertaining Jimmy. I’m not sure what that means for you long term, buddy, but it keeps me chuckling.

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